In January, after our baby
Jeremiah died, we asked
ourselves if we wanted to
risk going through the loss
of another baby. All sorts
of questions and doubt came
to mind but ultimately we
decided that we would
continue to trust the Lord
in this area of our lives.
It had been 13 years since
the time the Lord called us
to let go and let God decide
the size of family He wants
us to have. What kind of
testimony would it be for us
to say we can only trust Him
in the “good times”? We
decided that we would
proclaim with Job, “Though
He slay me, yet will I trust
Him”. (Job 13:15)
I almost assumed that I would get pregnant right away because for the past 13 years I had not had more than 2 cycles between babies. Month after month I was honestly surprised that I was not pregnant. After several months went by I began to think that God must be through with my womb. That this was just another one of those times in our life where God wanted to see if we were still willing to “trust and obey”. Just as I had begun to settle into the idea that our baby days were over, the Lord gave us a sweet surprise on our 22nd wedding anniversary in September, when we discovered that I was expecting another baby. A couple of weeks later I went to the doctor. Tears of joy filled my eyes as I watched the screen and saw a tiny 6 week old baby with a heart beating away. The baby measured right on schedule and everything appeared ok. We contemplated whether or not we should tell our kids. We knew how much they would love praying for their new sibling (they love babies and pray for every pregnant mom they know!) We also knew that if something did happen again that we would not be able to hide our grief. We decided to tell them. They were thrilled and prayed for me and the baby daily!
Although the kids couldn't help but tell their friends at church, I had planned to wait and tell our parents and “the rest of the world” with a picture of a healthy 10-week sonogram. The heartbreaking news is that I went to the doctor for my 10-week check-up (Nov 9), the sonogram showed a baby measuring 8 weeks with no heartbeat.
I believe the Lord began preparing my heart the Thursday before. I had a weird headache, which was the only symptom I had with Jeremiah. I started wondering if this was going to be the result at my checkup that Monday and even made sure Jeff could get away and go with me to my appointment. I had no physical symptoms that anything was wrong.
The doctor gave me the choice to wait and let things go naturally, or to schedule a D&C. He said this time the baby was small enough that I could manage it at home if I wanted to try. I decided I would wait.
I really expected it to happen within a day or two. With each day that went by and nothing happening, I began to wonder if maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was all a bad dream. As the weekend grew closer, I even began to feel brave enough (or maybe it was denial) to go to Jordan and Kristin’s state championship soccer games. Still nothing.
During this time I started reading a book that someone gave me after Jeremiah died called “Grieving the Child I Never Knew” (thank you Faith W.). The Lord is using this book to remind me that He doesn’t make mistakes, that this baby is not “just a clump of cells” or “just tissue” as the world want us to believe; that it is a real person with real worth in our Father’s eyes (and mine). Scripture says He created this precious little one and knows him or her by name. It is comforting to know that this precious baby is in Heaven with his/her brother Jeremiah and that we will all be reunited one day! I can just imagine them sitting on Jesus’ lap and playing together.
The Lord is also using the book to show me that hiding our loss from our extended family and friends (which I considered doing) will only delay the healing process and short circuit His purpose for this baby's life. He seems to be whispering to me that He wants to use our story to touch hearts and minister to others like He did with Jeremiah but it is not my job to pick and choose to whom.
I am not sure what the Lord is up to or why He chose for us to go through this again but I know that He promises it will be for my good and His glory. I know that He allows pain and heartache in our lives to help shape us to be more like Him, or as my friend Karen said to make us “more beautiful for His service”. It is more evident to me than ever that I am “on The Potter’s wheel”, as my friend Pat G. says.
For 12 days I waited for my body to do what it should do after a baby dies in the womb. I wrestled with fear over having a D&C and was afraid the risk of complications were too high. But at the same time the waiting was agonizing. Thursday night I called and asked the doctor for another sonogram hoping the Lord would give me peace about continuing to wait or to go ahead with the D&C. On our way to my appointment Friday morning we stopped to get Jeff a biscuit and the Lord sent a precious friend/ physicians assistant there who could answer all of the questions that were running through my head! It was definitely a "Divine Appointment"! I was finally at peace about a D&C.
We left and went to the doctor's office. The sonogram showed that the baby's body now only measured 6 weeks but still no indication that the miscarriage would take place soon. I was a day short of being 12 weeks pregnant. We decided to go ahead with the D&C that day.
The Lord answered our prayers and I am told that surgery went very well with no complications!
I am at home and glad that the physical healing can finally begin!
Once again I will say that though my heart aches I know that God makes no mistakes!
I do believe with all my heart that He is worth it, that all the pain and heartache we go through on this earth is worth spending eternity in Heaven with Jesus! I cannot imagine how someone who doesn’t know the Lord can handle such heartache!
I keep singing the lyrics to this song:
Rita Springer – “Worth It All”
I thank God for the 11 healthy children we have on this earth! I know that I am very blessed! I also love the 2 that are in Heaven and can't wait until we can meet them and worship the Lord together!
In His Hands,
Ann
I almost assumed that I would get pregnant right away because for the past 13 years I had not had more than 2 cycles between babies. Month after month I was honestly surprised that I was not pregnant. After several months went by I began to think that God must be through with my womb. That this was just another one of those times in our life where God wanted to see if we were still willing to “trust and obey”. Just as I had begun to settle into the idea that our baby days were over, the Lord gave us a sweet surprise on our 22nd wedding anniversary in September, when we discovered that I was expecting another baby. A couple of weeks later I went to the doctor. Tears of joy filled my eyes as I watched the screen and saw a tiny 6 week old baby with a heart beating away. The baby measured right on schedule and everything appeared ok. We contemplated whether or not we should tell our kids. We knew how much they would love praying for their new sibling (they love babies and pray for every pregnant mom they know!) We also knew that if something did happen again that we would not be able to hide our grief. We decided to tell them. They were thrilled and prayed for me and the baby daily!
Although the kids couldn't help but tell their friends at church, I had planned to wait and tell our parents and “the rest of the world” with a picture of a healthy 10-week sonogram. The heartbreaking news is that I went to the doctor for my 10-week check-up (Nov 9), the sonogram showed a baby measuring 8 weeks with no heartbeat.
I believe the Lord began preparing my heart the Thursday before. I had a weird headache, which was the only symptom I had with Jeremiah. I started wondering if this was going to be the result at my checkup that Monday and even made sure Jeff could get away and go with me to my appointment. I had no physical symptoms that anything was wrong.
The doctor gave me the choice to wait and let things go naturally, or to schedule a D&C. He said this time the baby was small enough that I could manage it at home if I wanted to try. I decided I would wait.
I really expected it to happen within a day or two. With each day that went by and nothing happening, I began to wonder if maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was all a bad dream. As the weekend grew closer, I even began to feel brave enough (or maybe it was denial) to go to Jordan and Kristin’s state championship soccer games. Still nothing.
During this time I started reading a book that someone gave me after Jeremiah died called “Grieving the Child I Never Knew” (thank you Faith W.). The Lord is using this book to remind me that He doesn’t make mistakes, that this baby is not “just a clump of cells” or “just tissue” as the world want us to believe; that it is a real person with real worth in our Father’s eyes (and mine). Scripture says He created this precious little one and knows him or her by name. It is comforting to know that this precious baby is in Heaven with his/her brother Jeremiah and that we will all be reunited one day! I can just imagine them sitting on Jesus’ lap and playing together.
The Lord is also using the book to show me that hiding our loss from our extended family and friends (which I considered doing) will only delay the healing process and short circuit His purpose for this baby's life. He seems to be whispering to me that He wants to use our story to touch hearts and minister to others like He did with Jeremiah but it is not my job to pick and choose to whom.
I am not sure what the Lord is up to or why He chose for us to go through this again but I know that He promises it will be for my good and His glory. I know that He allows pain and heartache in our lives to help shape us to be more like Him, or as my friend Karen said to make us “more beautiful for His service”. It is more evident to me than ever that I am “on The Potter’s wheel”, as my friend Pat G. says.
For 12 days I waited for my body to do what it should do after a baby dies in the womb. I wrestled with fear over having a D&C and was afraid the risk of complications were too high. But at the same time the waiting was agonizing. Thursday night I called and asked the doctor for another sonogram hoping the Lord would give me peace about continuing to wait or to go ahead with the D&C. On our way to my appointment Friday morning we stopped to get Jeff a biscuit and the Lord sent a precious friend/ physicians assistant there who could answer all of the questions that were running through my head! It was definitely a "Divine Appointment"! I was finally at peace about a D&C.
We left and went to the doctor's office. The sonogram showed that the baby's body now only measured 6 weeks but still no indication that the miscarriage would take place soon. I was a day short of being 12 weeks pregnant. We decided to go ahead with the D&C that day.
The Lord answered our prayers and I am told that surgery went very well with no complications!
I am at home and glad that the physical healing can finally begin!
Once again I will say that though my heart aches I know that God makes no mistakes!
I do believe with all my heart that He is worth it, that all the pain and heartache we go through on this earth is worth spending eternity in Heaven with Jesus! I cannot imagine how someone who doesn’t know the Lord can handle such heartache!
I keep singing the lyrics to this song:
Rita Springer – “Worth It All”
I thank God for the 11 healthy children we have on this earth! I know that I am very blessed! I also love the 2 that are in Heaven and can't wait until we can meet them and worship the Lord together!
In His Hands,
Ann